Let’s open the vault of musical history and reach back, waaaaaaaaay far back. What gems will the kids choose from? Jim Morrison and The Doors? Some Simon and Garfunkle?  Perhaps some Beatles? Maybe the Mamas and The Papas? Surely these kids are doing some California Dreamin’...

Oh wait....

It’s songs from the year THEY were born.

Rather, the farthest we will be transported in time is my first year in high school. Ahhhh, memories of bandanas, parachute pants, and when Michael Jackson still had a nose.

Someone pass the Metamucil, please. And while you’re at it, get some new tennis balls for my walker.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With the judges already in place (thank you, producers, for not staging another WWF entry. Unless Randy is going to come out in a spandex, glittered Speedo and boxing booties, I’m not interested.)

First up, my man Danny, harking back to 1980. He was a cute kid, one who liked to sing from a very young age. So much so that his Dad was practically moved to tears (in a good way) the first time he heard Danny warble.

Out of everything 1980 had to offer (Xanadu, Super Trooper by ABBA, and The Pina Colada song), Danny landed on Stand By Me.

I loved it.  The guy can connect and Paula, of course, stuffed into a black and white pinata, was up dancing like she was at Woodstock.

Kris was born in 1985 to parents who laughed about his one time ambition to be a "taxi cab driver." Methinks he can do better than that these days.

1985 – full of excellent choices – Born In The USA, Careless Whisper, hell, even Sugar Walls – and Kris picks All She Wants To Do Is Dance, and then surrounds himself with a mosh pit of females who ... can’t.

There he stood, hip deep in fembots, playing his guitar and trying to look cool. Sorry, Don Henley – cool. Kris Allen? Not all that cool. It was as effective as if he had tried Money For Nothing. (Although I suspect, given how adorable he is, he could get his chicks for free...)

Up next was Lil – in her video, her mother set Simon straight – the girl’s name IS Lil, not Little, not Lileth, not Lilongwe, the administrative capital of Malawai, but LIL, named after her grandmother, LilY.

Another child of ’85, she had songs like Sea of Love (come on, you know you loved the Honeydrippers), Neutron Dance, and Aretha’s Freeway of Love, but she chose Tina Turner’s What’s Love Got To Do With It?

(FYI: We Are The World was also an ’85 anthem, and if that is today's GROUP SONG? I will burn my Izod shirts, Topsiders, and Aquanet in effigy..)

She danced out onto the stage, although given the bondage her feet were suffering, I don’t know how. Those feet were strapped in for take-off and landing.

There was nothing stellar, but nothing disastrous either.

Paula started with the kiss of death: "You look very, very hot tonight" and then proceeded to rip Lil a new one.

Up next, Anoop, who told Ryan he is sorry for the way he took Kara’s criticism last week.

Anoop was born in 1986 – home of such tunes as That’s What Friends Are For, Addicted To Love, and Eddie Murphy’s Party All The Time, which, by the way, is the ring tone for my friend, Tony. Anoop chose True Colors.

On stage, I was distracted from the song itself by the lime green stripes of Anoop’s cardigan. Talk about some true colors. You have not seen green this lime till you see it in HD.

Anoop did a solid job – his voice is strong, enjoyable to listen to, even his falsetto ending landed softly.  I liked it.

Scott also had MTV fare like West End Girls, Human, and Rock Me Amadeus (I used to think it was Rock Me Hot Potatoes) to choose from but he instead chose the insipid The Search Is Over.

I detested it. Way off kilter in parts.

Allison was born in the fine year of 1992. Grunge had emerged from the Seattle garages and Nirvana was making everyone smell teen spirit. Down south, Billie Raye Cyrus’s mullet had us all mesmerized and line dancing to Achy Breaky Heart. And Queen planted their flag forever with one of my all-time favorites, Bohemian Rhasody.

Allison tossed out those options for Bonnie Raitt’s I Can’t Make You Love Me. She also threw out styling advice – this time emerging with her red hair in a Farrah flip, wearing a leather jacket with chains over a skirt that looked like she stuffed a tablecloth down the back – short in front, dangling in the back, chains flung there as well.

As for the song? Too old for her. Yes, she can sing the phone book, a take-out menu, a box of macaroni and cheese, but the lyrics – "turn down the bed" and "lay down with me"? I’m not a prude, but it just didn’t work for me.

Matt, also born in 1985, ignored songs like Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go, Everybody Wants To Rule The World, and Take On Me (one of my favorite videos from back in the day) he instead chose Part-time Lover.

Dressed in JEANS, a leather jacket, and a hat, he was a pure Justin Timberlake wannabe - but I still thought he did a pretty good job.  Good enough to stay..

Obviously having wasted all their time on the first six contestants, the judges were really brief with critique.

Finally, the contestant who so does not need the pimp spot, but who got it anyway, Adam Lambert. Born in 1982. My bowling ball is older than him.

I was hoping for Eye of the Tiger, Edge of Seventeen, or even Physical. No, Adam went a tad more obscure with Mad World by Tears For Fears.

As unpredictable as ever, this performance found Adam sitting with a single blue spotlight overhead.

The stage never got any brighter, and he did not even stand up till the end, choosing instead to draw the audience in with the haunting staging, the haunting lyrics, and his incredible delivery.

For a song most people had never heard before he kicked butt!  Kudos to him for such a restrained performance. When the lights finally came up for his critique, it almost felt like a spell had been broken. That is talent. I heart Adam!!!

ZERO time was left for the judges, so Simon took the reins, "Words are not necessary." And then he STOOD UP. Yes, Simon Cowell gave a contestant a standing ovation.

And frogs began hitting my roof.

During the playback, I again found it hard to determine who is most likely to go home. A bottom three? Easy enough – Allison (doesn’t deserve it, but she’ll be there), Scott (it’s about time), and Lil (she’s not connecting enough and this is playing out as a boys’ season).

My best guess is that Lil will be sent packing (for the summer tour).

So, weigh in. Favorites? Anyone you hated based on performance, or simply how old they made you feel? Does Matt have a future in a Vegas review as Justin Timberfake? And do you think it is possible for Adam’s momentum to be stopped at this point?

Now, we old people need our rest. I’m off to do a crossword puzzle, drink some warm milk, and slice some new tennis balls for my walker. I don’t want to scratch the tile.

Kris